Missives · from · a · misanthrope

I am a HUGE funk fan. That is no question.

I'm in England now, and I love it. My husband wants to go to Australia in the future, but I can't see leaving England...ever. It's so beautiful here, who would want to leave? All the locals tell me it's terrible and grey all the time, but it's a welcoming change to me. I love it here.

I had my bass guitar delivered a week ago, and I'm looking for a band. A funk band. I don't think there are many funk bands in this part of England. I may have to go to London.

I'm going to London tomorrow. I will try to network as much as possible.

Anywho... One Nation Under A Groove...
Amanda

So I got sent home from work today, due to illness. I was feeling a bit better and I decided to get myself a refreshing, iced coffee beverage from the local Starbucks...local meaning Studio City-ish. I was dressed for freezing weather and when I got outside, it was a nice 70 degrees...so I quickly tore off my scarf and sat down with my book "Breakfast of Champions" by Kurt Vonnegut. The sun was beating on my face, and I didn't mind for a little bit, but soon it was just too unbearable. I guess the starbucks that I patronized had a small oven fire earlier that day, and it smelled of smoke and fire extinguisher. So the hot sun, smoke and traffic from the busy intersection of Laurel Canyon and Riverside was already irritating me. Then two city vehicles showed up to fix the streetlights. Not just vehicles. Huge TRUCKS! They were screaming things at the top of their lungs, and also the trucks were LOUD. LOUD!!! CAPITAL LETTERS LOUD! I could have screamed. So instead of screaming, I left.

Fin.

Hello friends.

Today is a good Sunday, and I'm enjoying the warm weather. I've been working like crazy. I'm doing accounting for the same company now. It's...interesting. I never thought I'd be working with numbers or money. It seems to be working out.

There's a new man in my life. We're just taking things really slow and working out all the kinks before we really get together. There's no rush and it's much better this way. We've been talking for a few months and really getting to know eachother before we just jump into anything. I'm 22 and I've finally learned how to date.

Funny how things happen.

Amanda

How long has it been? 2 months or so? Jeez....

Anyway, I'm still alive and kicking. Still working at the same job. I don't know if I mentioned that I got a new car, but I did. Still single, still loving it.

I've been having strange thoughts of getting married and having children lately, and it's really tripping me out. Not like I have anyone to do it with yet, but it's fun to think about. I've been hanging out with new friends and old friends. The valley is seeing less and less of me as I'm making my name known about town. I'm spending more time in Silver Lake, Echo Park and Hollywood, also looking to move out there when my lease is up.

My ex (Team) is completely out of my life, and this is the most refreshing thing. I left all of my baggage outside his door for him to sort through, since he's the one who burdened me with it.

Men are a funny thing, and I don't really need one in this time in my life. They just cause headaches.

Anywho-- I'm planning on writing a lot more. It's hard to get all the juicy details of my life in, if I only post once every two months. Plus, this is free therapy.

From Russia with Love,
Amanda

Hello all. Boy it has been a long time. I finally have a bit of time to myself and I decided to update this damn thing.

Well, I got a new job. It pays very well and it's full time. So I've quit Blockbuster, for good. It's nice to know that I will never (hopefully) have to go back into retail. Retail is good for a while, until you can't pay your bills and you become an adult. Adult life is just so much different. It's been almost a year since I've been living on my own and it's so liberating. It's a good feeling to be able to pay your rent on your own.

I got a new car. It's a 99 Toyota Solara, and it's beautiful. It's the nicest car I've ever owned and I can't believe I actually OWN a car. I have really cheap payments. I still can't believe I was financed. Things are finally starting to come together.

I've had the worst luck with dating lately. That's the only thing that isn't coming together. It will eventually, but for now, it's the pits. I don't even feel like discussing it really. I just wish that someone would treat me nicely instead of treating me like shit. I'm turning into a brutal man hater, faster each minute.

Anyway, it's still nice to see this from my bedroom window:

Cheers,
Amanda

I'm still alive people. L.A. is great. I really love it here.

Team is upsetting me, so I'm really feeling like being extra distant. I should just cut everything off with him, but I need him so it's tough. If I didn't need his help, I wouldn't see him that often...or would I? That's probably all completely untrue. I'm addicted to that man. I just don't understand sometimes.

I suppose I'm a freelance bartender now...I bartend anywhere and everywhere that needs me, even for only one night. I wish I had a set schedule. I never know when I'm going to get called into work.

Now that I'm out here, I don't have anxiety attacks. That is such a relief.

Amanda

P.S. I hate my first name. Everyone in my neighborhood thinks I speak Spanish just because it's a Latin name. Why can't I have a cool white girl name like Lucy or Betty or Abigail. I'm just going to start going by Abigail, or Betty, or Lucy when I bartend...

Well, I am settled into my new place now. It's fantastic. There's a beautiful view from my bedroom window of the mountain and downtown L.A. I've got a car now, and I'm driving around town, to work and what not. I'm a bartender at a shitty bar in Monrovia, and also (infamously) rehired at a Blockbuster around here. Ahh, back to the old roots. Oh well.

Things are weird with my ex. We're together and then we're not and then we are and then we aren't. I'm really getting bored with men. I'm bored within 5 minutes of a conversation with any of them. They never seem to have anything of substance to say when they're trying to get in your pants. A bunch of babbling idiots. I wish they would just leave me alone. I put up a huge wall whenever I meet them, and sometimes they just don't get it. Well, I suppose the fact that I'm unavailable makes them want me even more. The fact that I'm a challenge and a chase makes it more fun for the guy (and for me), because I'm not going to just give in to them. Silly silly men.

That's all for now.

Amanda

Well...I gave up on the Navy. I gave up on a lot of things. It's just easier that way as I don't have the strength or energy to fight right now. I've been fighting with people lately. I got drunk and started screaming at my room-mate last night. That's not like me. I just let my emotions get the best of me, and I took it out on him. He understands and was very cool about it, but I'm not cool with it.

Another funeral on Friday. Then I'm going to the Upright Citizens Brigade with Team. I don't know why I keep talking with that man...well I do know why. I love him. I've gotten over most of it by now.

I haven't been this depressed since high school. I feel the same loneliness that I did back in those days...like no one knows me or even understands...or even cares for that matter.

My brothers have left for Oregon for Christmas, and this has been the hardest thing to deal with. I want them back here, where I know they'll be safe.

Alcohol is the only way I know how to cope.

Why do Grammy nominations thoroughly bum me out each year? Oh yeah, because they nominate shit. Well not all of it is shit...but c'mon...James Blunt? 5 nominations?!? Anyone that can carry a tune can sing that rancid song better than him. U2 and Green Day will win anyways so what's the point of nominating?

Anyway, I spent the whole day with a man that I love (but that doesn't love me...for all I know), and that's fine with me. Going on the swings in December in L.A. is great, because it's still 80 degrees out, and the weather is perfect. And the fact that you can see Downtown from the swingset is wonderful as well. After that we ate sushi, walked through some beautiful gardens, saw Apocalypto (which was very, very good), drank wine, napped, and went to a comedy show. It was a lovely day.

Time for me to sleep now...

Amanda

Squeaky swings and tall grass
the longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
and we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
and we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pale
And I knew your heart I couldn't win

Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

2006 marks one of the worst years I have had. Four deaths, surgery, lots of different jobs, lust, love, heartbreak, friendships were tested, court cases and family problems. It was nice to have a Thanksgiving just with my friends, we had a good time. Now Christmas is coming, and my brothers will be visiting their cunt of a grandmother during that time. I'm ready to go with them. Their scumbag father is still up there in (B)Oregon and so help me God if he comes within 100 feet of them, I will kill him and his fat-slut mother. I think I'm going with them. I have to.

So, as 2006 comes to a close, this post is in memory of Ursula, Randall Coleman, Lane Wesley, and our dear cat (Sausage) Lynx.

There is misery in all I hear and see
From the people on tv
After their tea when life begins again
They'll be happier than me

Amanda